Devotionals

Prayers Through Tears: Finding Faith in Miscarriage

there’s nothing that can take away the pain of the words, ‘there’s no heartbeat;’ nothing, besides God’s enormous arms wrapped tightly around you. 

The adorable booties and mommy-and-daddy-to-be books were bought, thebump app was downloaded, heck, the boy and girl names were already picked out, and all the dreams of welcoming our little sweet pea into the world were unreeling.

We prayed over my belly every night and Tim gave baby b lots of belly kisses.

Until recently, miscarriage was something that happened to ‘other’ women. I am now one of the many women who’ve wrapped their hands tightly around a lifeless belly in heartache.  

I actually had my first encounter with miscarriage in June 2015, when we unexpectedly found out we were pregnant because I happened to be getting my blood drawn for thyroid tests. You see long story short, I’ve been dealing with hyperthyroidism, low hormones and hypothermic amenorrhea for the past couple years and we didn’t even think it was possible for us to get pregnant at that time. It was more of a chemical pregnancy as we lost the baby very early. To be honest, I didn’t really consider it a miscarriage really.

Fast forward several months of peeing on negative ovulation and pregnancy tests {because I haven’t had a period in 3+ years we really had no way of tracking my cycle; and yes you can still get pregnant without getting your period}. In late December I thought for sure I was getting my period back as I had all the PMS symptoms. Turns out I was pregnant and we saw the two pink lines on Saturday, January 9th. I’ll never forget the surge of emotions as we danced around our apartment wondering how this little miracle had actually happened considering my situation.

Anyways as you now know, we found out at our 11/12 week appointment that there was no heartbeat, baby had stopped growing, and we had miscarried.

My biggest fear had become a reality. Actually my two biggest fears had come to life — I was childless and fat. I understand, this may sound extremely selfish, vain, you name it, but it’s true and I’ve been trying to not judge myself for these thoughts. But it’s part of the ‘secrets of miscarriage’ no one talks about. No one talks about the weight you’ve gained, the post D&C night sweats, the closet crying, the tightness in your stomach when you see another pregnant woman or see a baby announcement. No one talks about that stuff; the hard stuff.

But I’m not writing this blog to talk about the hard stuff, or to tell you about my biggest fears, or even my heart-crushing miscarriage. No, the real reason I’m writing this blog is because I had a heart to heart with God which has lead me here.

As I mentioned, miscarrying was one of my biggest fears from the moment I saw those two pink lines. This fear was consuming me so much in the first couple months that I knew I had to do something about it. So I started praying about it and I finally decided to let God take control.

I had a serious heart to heart with God one morning while I was breathlessly running on the treadmill. The conversation went a little like this, “Alright God I’m totally surrendering, I can’t let these fears consume my thoughts any longer. This is your baby, I submit to your plan for this child whatever that may be.”

In my mind I thought what if his plan is for me to miscarry, then there must be a reason for it, maybe I’m meant to talk about it on my blog. Literally, that’s what ran through my head. But then I pulled myself away from these thoughts. I blessed and released, and committed to positive thoughts only from that point on! Baby B was going to be healthy and delivered via water birth at Willow Midwives Birth Center in early September.

Turns out baby stopped growing the exact week I had this heart to heart with God. I still ask myself, ‘what if I didn’t say that prayer; would I still be pregnant…’ After wrestling with this and similar thoughts of ‘what is the moral of this story.’ I’ve come to the conclusion that I’m supposed to share my season of heartache and this prayer.  

My prayer for you if you’ve had a miscarriage or if one is in your unforetold future — reach out for Him. Beg God to wrap His arms around you and hold you tight, ask him to grieve with you, to protect you and to make you brave during this trial and season of heartache. Be gentle with yourself, know that it’s ok to to cry, to grieve to feel jealousy. But know that He is your Rock. 

There are lessons here to be learned in this season of life. Lessons of faith. Trust that God intended for you to grow through your grief and mourning. Don’t pass these moments by. Take time to just be. Meditate. Cry. Pray. But most importantly, tune in to what He is doing in your heart.

My faith tells me that, in the midst of what I see as the complete unraveling of my life, God has everything under control. It tells me that God, more than anyone, feels every ounce of my pain, He understands the emptiness my miscarriage left, and He counts every tear that falls from my face. 

Theses past months I’ve clung to this verse, “When my heart is overwhelmed lead me to the Rock that is higher than I.” {Psalm 61:2}. And to be honest, I’ve found so much healing in sharing my story. The burden doesn’t feel so heavy when your share it with others. You see when I started this brand and blog, I thought I had to have six-pack abs and be the perfect ‘fit girl’. But through my bible studies I’ve learned an extraordinary lesson, we don’t have to be perfect to be difference makers {in fact most books of the bible are based of people who were majorly flawed}. My hope is that this blog can be a platform that allows me to shamelessly share my life in a true, authentic way.

I want to close by saying thank you for all the love and support Tim and I have received during this difficult time. We’ve been overwhelmed with prayers for peace, love and comfort! Thank you!

Wrapped tightly in His Grip, 

xo-Lindsey